I’m Lost

November 15, 2013

There’s a scene in Lilo & Stitch (the saddest Disney movie ever made, by the way) where Lilo (a girl living with her older sister) is reading Stitch (an alien who crash landed on Earth) The Ugly Duckling. There’s a page in the book that shows the duckling, all alone, away from his family. “I’m lost!” he cries out. The next page shows him surrounded by his family after they found him.

In the movie, Stitch, who was the result of a genetic experiment, and therefore doesn’t have any biological family, takes the book from Lilo’s room, taking it out into the middle of the forest. He cries out, “I’m lost!” He hopes this will lead to him finding his family, finding a purpose in life. No one comes. He falls asleep in the forest waiting for them.

When I first saw this scene, I cried. It’s just so sad.

I feel a lot like Stitch lately. I feel lost. I feel as though I don’t really have true purpose in the world.

Yes, I have a mom, dad, siblings, and so on. It’s just that, when it comes to family that’s created by other friends and loved ones, I do feel lost. I feel so lost.

I’ve always dreamed about starting a family, and I’ve always wanted to have kids. I want to be a mother, a parent, a wife, a friend. I worry that these things aren’t in the cards for me.

I look back on my life and notice the pattern: every one of my friendships has dissolved. One would have to be delusional to think that the cause of these strained personal relationships is everyone else. I know that it’s not them, that it’s me. I know that there’s just something about me that drives people away. I know I’m the cause of this, and I know that no matter how much I try to fix things, to be a better person, to be a normal human being, I’ll always drive those closest to me away.

I’m lost.

I often wish that I just never existed. No, I’m not saying that I will hurt myself. I’m just saying that I wish that I wasn’t ever here in the first place. I feel as though my net impact on the world has been negative. I feel as though no matter how much I try to turn that around, I’m unable. Some might say that my writing has been helpful, but in terms of personal relationships, my life is broken because my personality is broken.

Like Stitch, here I am, sitting here yelling “I’m lost” into the empty forest.