[the 8 year old]

January 7, 2013

Growing up, I went to my mom in tears asking, “when will it get better?” I went on to explain this deep sadness that consumed me (an 8-year old consumed by sadness is kind of a sad vision), that just enveloped every part of my being.

My mom, trying to figure out what was at the core of this sadness, asked, “what makes you feel this way?” I told her how sad, lonely and isolated I felt; how I felt like I was different, and none of my classmates liked me. I told her that no one ever invited me over, and anytime I’d invite them over, they’d say no. I learned rejection at an early age.

[Edit: growing up, I felt so alone that my parents actually bought me a net that would bounce a baseball back to me. This way, even though I didn’t have a friend to play catch with, I could do it on my own.]

“Just think, in a few years you’ll be in Junior High, and you’ll meet some new friends,” she said.

Came and went without improvement.

“Just think, you’ll be starting high school soon. These are the best years of your life!” she said.

Came and went without improvement.

“Once you get to college, the world is yours,” she said.

Came and went… and I had enough. No more waiting for the world. I sunk into a depressive state, becoming a recluse. I skipped classes and drank until I passed out. I self-harmed, hoping that it would either cause me to snap out of it, or that it would just inflict enough damage to end it all. Needless to say, it didn’t end, but neither did these feelings.

Leaving college after 3 semesters due to a nervous breakdown, I moved back in with my parents. Despite not having a curfew, I remained home in my room for days on end. I hated everything about me. I hated how lonely I felt.

After 6 months, I transferred to a college near my parents’ home (should they ever need to get me in the event of another breakdown). There, I finished my degree, doing my best to suppress the dark feelings. They never left.

Finally, here I am. Still the 8 year old kid at heart, still being patient for life to turn around (and I think it’s starting to).


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