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[thoughts on 2013 improvement, possible self-diagnosis]

December 28, 2012

What a wild week it’s been. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how and why I think and act certain ways. In a way, that’s terrifying: opening yourself up to try to get to the core of personal problems.

In doing this, based on feelings & actions I’ve been guilty of my entire life, I think it’s entirely possible that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While self-diagnosis can be dangerous (seriously, spend 10 minutes on WebMD and you’ll convince yourself that you’re on death’s door), this really seems to line up with many of the feelings, emotions, actions I’ve experienced throughout my life.

i’ve had a variety of issues, ranging from the obvious (anxiety, depression) to other more unique self-issues (being transgender). Each one, I’ve dealt with in its own way, whether that be therapy or medication, etc.

Here are a few quick notes on BPD, all of which I find myself saying, “yes, that’s obviously me!” to:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
  • Next time I’m with my therapist, I plan on talking this out with him to see if this is something he thinks may be the issue. Again, 2013 will be a year of self-improvement. It has to be.

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