Home

You want them to notice
The ragged ends of your summer dress
You want them to see you like they see every other girl.
They just see a faggot. They hold their breath not to catch the sick
Rough surf on the coast, wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you
With you

My parents were in town earlier in the week for dinner. As much as I want to just pull off the “coming out” band-aid, I’m struggling to. They made a couple comments about my hair being long (it’s longer than it’s probably ever been), and while that may have been a good segue into coming out to them, I was interrupted by my dad, throwing the most masculine-possible thing at me:

“I have two tickets to the Bears game on Saturday night. Here, you can have them.”

I’m thinking that, “thanks for the football tix, dad; btw, I’ma chick, k?” might have been a strange response, so I just thanked him for the tickets, and decided that I’ll work on coming out to them another time. Foiled!

And don’t get me wrong, it was a really nice gesture of him. I’m huge into analytics, statistics, and just numbers in general, and that’s why I’ve always been intrigued by sports of all sorts. Statistics, probability, it’s all built in. That sort of stuff = awesome. People hitting each other = ehhh….

I’ve been trying to be more open about myself lately, just doing little things here and there to be myself. Whether it’s wearing a tiny bit of makeup to work, wearing a little bit of jewelry (I have this gorgeous little necklace that’s work appropriate – not too fem or anything)… Stuff like that. I’ve also been trying to come out to more people. Here’s where it hurts my heart a little bit.

While I haven’t gotten any blatantly negative pushback or anything like that, I feel like I have lost (or at least damaged) some friendships by telling people about me. The most common response is simply no response. I’ll spill my heart and just get silence and that person and I don’t seem to talk anymore.

Maybe I’m doing it wrong. I don’t know. Hmmm.

But I’m here on a Friday, not sure whether to stay in, whether to move from the couch, but I’d love some company. I feel so uncharacteristically socially awkward lately. I need to snap out of it.

[in my own head]

August 8, 2012

I’m too in my head. Too, too, too in my own head.

My girlfriend has been out of town all week. It’s been rough. At first I thought it would be nice to have a few days to clear my head, to find some peace of mind. Unfortunately, though, it’s turned out to be anything but. My head gets filled with negative thoughts, lonely thoughts, worried thoughts. I’m doing my best to purge those and fill myself with positive energy.

She comes home on Saturday. Only a few more days. Positive energy. Positive energy.